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Alternative Story For Diablo
Title Alternative Story For Diablo
Description by Maxx Power
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When Blizzard were first making Diablo, when they were thinking of the story, they must have been taking a crap at the time, for that is a technically accurate description of the product which came out. Don’t get me wrong, Diablo is a fantastic game, it’s just the story is missing that certain… something, a certain flare. So, what I want to ask Blizzard is this. “Why did you write your own storyline when you could have got me to do it?”

 Well, in answer to this question, I have decided to write a quick, five Act biopic of an alternative story to Dialbo entitled “The story of a strapping young gentleman caught in a tempest of demonic influence and struggling super-powers” or “A five part introduction to the life and times of a group of hell spawns” or “Four demons and a Sorceress”.

 Act 1

 The hero of the game, a square jaw, brain dead swim suit model brandishing a sharp stick, goes out in search of his lost brothers, coincidentally three sets of identical twins. As he looks for them, he stumbles upon a small leprechaun, called Jeff, who tells him of the three prime evisl, a trio of dastardly demons hell bent on ruling the world via the use of internet pornography. After fighting many demons, our hero eventually find his way into the catacomb, before facing a infuriated four-arm, pre-menstrual demon from the 1978 German Olympic swimming team.

 Act 2

 After travelling across the desert, our hero enters a town where the king’s daughters have been kidnapped, also three sets of identical twins. It turns out that a giant bug living in the tomb of a thousand year old dead mage has set up a chain of mail order brides and grooms, in order to allow internet pornography to reach its limits. Knowing that the world is in great peril, our hero finds the bug, demanding at least 10% of the profits. Refusing, our hero bravely slays, using his wits, his awesome strength, and a sawn-off, anti-personnel shotgun (good twist, yeah?)

 Act 3

 Finding his way into a huge jungle, our hero finds both of the three sets of identical twins in the center of a ruined city. There he orders a group of guards he has picked up from somewhere (hey, I did need a loop-hole) to rescue anything that went around in groups of six and looked familiar. However, due to the fact that demons look strangely alike, in blind panic and confusion, the guards kill themselves. Leaving Mephisto to meet his brother Diablo and, for no apparent reason, do a two-man, underwater medley of “What’s new pussy cat”

 Act 4

 Riding straight into hell, our hero finds the lord of terror, Diablo. Unable to comprehend the sheer horror of Diablo, our intrepid adventures runs faster than a rabbit who’s just undergone colonic irrigation with a hot, rusty mace. This leaves the only man strong enough to face the demon’s wrath. Pyro from Gladiators, we thank you

 Act 5

 With no real plot elements left over, the world collapses in on itself, creating an alternative universe where the internet contains what you actually want, the main element is cheese, and Fox network is actually entertaining and original.

 Kiss my ass Stephen King, I rock!!!

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