The Women of Sanctuary (an interview with two of Sanctuary`s most famous heroes)

The Women of Sanctuary (an interview with two of Sanctuary`s most famous heroes)

Description: by evilsnack

Categories: Humor

DECKARD CAIN: Good evening. I'm Deckard Cain, and tonight I will be interviewing Trang-Oul the Commander of the Dead, and Aldur the Sylvanic. We'll be talking about their struggles to defeat the Prime Evils, and the sights they saw along the way.

ALDUR: Good evening.

TRANG-OUL: Greetings.

CAIN: So where should we begin, gentlemen?

ALDUR: You want to go first?

TRANG-OUL: You can go first.

ALDUR: Okay. I guess it really all began when we started seeing this really weird stuff in the woods. Demons, undead, really strange stuff. I asked some of the Druidic elders about it, and they said that 'the balance in the Western lands has become unbalanced.'

TRANG-OUL: Or words to that effect. I can't say how the Sarcognost put it, but it boiled down to the same thing.

ALDUR: Anyway, we heard some scuttlebutt that the stuff was going down in Tristram, so the Elders sent me down there so investigate and bring back some news.

TRANG-OUL: Same here.

ALDUR: While I was crossing the Westlands, I came across a camp of Rogues. Turns out that the stuff was going down in their monastery, too, and some of them were camped out in the middle of the wilderness.

TRANG-OUL: That's were we met up. I got there about a day after Aldur did.

ALDUR: There were chicks everywhere.

TRANG-OUL: And how. Aldur still has a raw spot on his chin from where it was dragging the ground. Charsi, the smith, was nice looking. Young, very fit, but the whole time we were there she was digging on this big guy with half his head painted blue.

ALDUR: One of the Barbarians. We split with them a few centuries back. But the real looker as Kashya.

TRANG-OUL: Oh, yes.

ALDUR: Leg. Lots and lots of leg.

TRANG-OUL: And red hair. Lots and lots of red hair. Half the women have red hair where Aldur comes from, but it's a novelty to me.

ALDUR: Trang likes red hair.

TRANG-OUL: But her attitude was just all totally wrong.

CAIN: So I've heard. Tell me about your first adventure together.

TRANG-OUL: Well, someone comes in and tells Akara--

CAIN: The Rogues' leader.

TRANG-OUL: Yeah, that's her. Anyway, someone comes in and tells her that there's a cave full of demons and stuff about a quarter mile away from the camp. Kashya comes up and tells her something really quietly, and then Akara tells us that there'll be a reward for whoever clears them out.

ALDUR: Not just Trang and me. There were all kinds of adventurers around, checking out the Rogue chicks. So I think she was just trying to get rid of us.

TRANG-OUL: Worked with a lot of us. Say 'reward' to a bunch of guys who have their eyes full of chicks, and you can pretty much guess what kind of reward they'll think of.

ALDUR: So about ten guys, and a few women who weren't Rogues, all went out to this big cave. We killed a few demons and zombies along the way, and finally we get to this cave.

TRANG-OUL: And stand around for about fifteen minutes, all saying, 'well, Mr. Paladin, you're the leader, you know, you go first.'

ALDUR: Then Trang here goes over to this demon we killed, says a few words, and bang, this skeleton pops up.

TRANG-OUL: Which scared the crap out of Aldur.

ALDUR: Hell, it scared everybody. He has the skeleton go first, and follows it into the cave. And I figure, 'hey, I can do that,' and so I whistle up a spirit raven, and go in after them.

TRANG-OUL: A bird. How formidable.

ALDUR: Hey, you do what you can, huh? So anyway, we cleared out the cave. On the way back out, we met all the other guys, looting the bodies.

TRANG-OUL: The bums. And that Paladin was trying to order us around, after we'd killed all the demons and undead.

ALDUR: But you all know who owned the place. We got back, and after Akara pats us on the head, we're taking a breather, going to the merchants, and all that.

TRANG-OUL: Gheed didn't like me very much.

ALDUR: Old Paleface here keeps forgetting to leave his skeletons behind when he goes to talk to people. You know, you might score some if you didn't have a bunch of walking dead with you when you're trying to chat up a gal.

TRANG-OUL: You can't just leave those guys by themselves.

ALDUR: Whatever. Anyway, Kashya walks up to me. And I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, her attitude is coming around. Nope. Tells me about this friend of hers who's been corrupted by some demon queen.

TRANG-OUL: She was raising zombies from the Rogues' burial grounds.

ALDUR: So I'm thinking, 'hey, a girlfriend for Trang, here.'

TRANG-OUL: Watch it.

ALDUR: So Trang and I go. We meet one of the Rogue scouts on the way, and she tells us that the corrupted Rogues are not to be trifled with, or some stuff like that.

TRANG-OUL: As if it were our habit to go around trifling with everything that's trying to kill us.

ALDUR: We kill a few more demons, raise up some flunkies, and lo and behold, here's the burial grounds.

TRANG-OUL: And here's Blood Raven. Not a bad looking gal, but the way she raises dead can make a grown man cry, you know.

ALDUR: The first thing I thought when I saw her was, 'well, if this is a corrupted woman, then I'm all for it.'

CAIN: Pretty?

ALDUR: Her chest was out of this world. She had a butter face, though.

CAIN: Everything was nice--

ALDUR: But her face, yeah.

TRANG-OUL: That, and the fact that she started trying to kill us.

ALDUR: It was zombie versus skeleton for a while, with Trang and me trying not to get shot full of arrows, but finally my Raven got her eyes, and that was pretty much all she wrote.

TRANG-OUL: I have to admit, that bird he calls up has its uses.

ALDUR: So we cleaned out the graveyard, and for good measure we went into the tunnels underneath and cleaned out some more undead, and some demons that had shown up as well.

TRANG-OUL: And ran into those losers who tried cleaning up after us in the cave.

ALDUR: Mostly cleaning up the treasure. But we had more important things in mind at the moment.

TRANG-OUL: Namely, scoring with Kashya.

ALDUR: We may as well have tried scoring with the moon. She still had that attitude, but when we told her what had happened, and especially after she heard the Paladin and the Barbarian both trying to take credit for killing Blood Raven, she calls up a couple of the Rogues, and tells them to go along with us for back up.

TRANG-OUL: Aliza and Amplisa.

ALDUR: They were very enthusiastic when she called them over.

TRANG-OUL: And the Paladin was very jealous.

ALDUR: We didn't tell him, but we never got to first base with the girls.

TRANG-OUL: Which in part was a good thing. Turns out that Nature Boy here has family in the Monastery.

CAIN: You're not serious.

ALDUR: Ever hear of the Annual Monastery Men's Tournament?

CAIN: The one where all of the losers are killed?

ALDUR: Yeah, that one. Well guess what the prize is? The winner gets to be the father of all the Rogue babies conceived during the next year. And guess who won the contest twenty years back?

CAIN: Your father?

ALDUR: Close; my mother's brother.

CAIN: So a good number of the Rogues are your first cousins.

ALDUR: Yeah. Just my luck. Amplisa was definitely one of my uncle's, and Aliza said that she wasn't sure.

CAIN: Which would explain why so many of the Rogues have red hair. What do they do with the boys?

ALDUR: They give them to Gheed. Dunno what he does with them.

TRANG-OUL: Admittedly, I didn't try anything with our Rogues, either. You never want to mess up a working relationship.

ALDUR: And then, Akara sends us to Tristram.

CAIN: For which I am very grateful, gentlemen.

ALDUR: No sweat. Did you see the way Akara was digging on you?

CAIN: No, I'm afraid not. Are you suggesting-?

ALDUR: Dude, you're the only guy her age she's seen since the Kurast Jungle was just an overgrown garden!

CAIN: I suppose so.

ALDUR: So after we sprang you from Tristram, Charsi stops digging on the Barbarian long enough to tell us about this hammer she'd left in the monastery.

TRANG-OUL: Since the Barbarian and the Paladin are obviously not going to get it for her, she came to us, and sweet-talked us into getting it for her.

ALDUR: She has the weapon that Kashya lacks so badly: A very friendly attitude.

TRANG-OUL: Being suckers for sweet talk, off we go. This time, we're going through the Black Marsh, and we come up on this old tower. And the Paladin says that we need to go in there and kill some lady.

ALDUR: And was the self-appointed leader the first person down that ladder? Nope. For a moment I thought the Barbarian might be dumb enough to do it, but that didn't pan out our way, either. We flipped for it. Down went Trang. And of course the moment he says that it's all right, the Paladin and the Barbarian are right behind him.

TRANG-OUL: There was a Sorcereress with us at the time, and Aldur had the decency to offer her a chance to go first.

ALDUR: Didn't get me anyhere with her, but I'm beginning to think that scoring around here is a long-term-effort sort of thing.

TRANG-OUL: In any event, the mistress of the premises was quite good-looking as well.

ALDUR: But, like Blood Raven, she tried killing us. My Rogue almost bought it down there--they both tended to get into too much trouble.

TRANG-OUL: Must run in the family.

ALDUR: Watch it.

TRANG-OUL: And, of course, as soon as the Countess is dead, the other guys are scrambling for all of the treasure, demanding equal shares when they did about a tenth of the share of the work.

ALDUR: Meanwhile, Trang and I pop a Town Portal scroll and get back on the road to the Monastery. The highland just outside of the Monastery was full of insane Rogues, all running around.

TRANG-OUL: We almost bought it then. As bad as they get, you don't really want to kill women.

ALDUR: And I was worried that the Rogues would be pee-ohed if we killed some of them.

TRANG-OUL: We needn't have worried. Aliza and Amplisa opened up on their sisters the moment they started after us.

ALDUR: Women really can be vicious with each other.

TRANG-OUL: No, they're just not too busy checking them out to fight.

ALDUR: So we get down to business, get to the Monastery, get the Malus, and go back to Charsi. And did we score?

TRANG-OUL: We scored some magical equipment, courtesy of Charsi.

ALDUR: And she's still digging on the Barbarian, whom to this moment I had not seen take a swing at anything that wasn't already wounded. And that's when you told us to go after Andariel.

CAIN: Had to be done.

ALDUR: Darn straight, that's my family she's been messing with! But I'm still kinda pee-ohed at this order of fighting women, of whom we have seen exactly two do any fighting for the good guys. And Kashya, with her nose in the air, like we're not good enough for her, even though we've done how many things she couldn't do for herself. And Charsi, who's nice enough, but digs on the guy who hasn't done squat for her, but wants to just be friends with us.

TRANG-OUL: Which means that killing Andariel was about the only way left to win their affection.

ALDUR: Although Trang didn't do us any favors.


ALDUR: What do you mean, what? We bust into a room, kill a couple demons, and find a Rogue who'd been skinned alive. And the two Rogues with us are this far from crying--the girl was Amplisa's sister, different father--and I do the brotherly thing and put an arm around her shoulders, and this is when good old Trang asks Aliza if she'd like to have dinner later on.


ALDUR: Dude, this is what's wrong with Necromancers! They forget that all this dead stuff bugs the crap out of the rest of us. Anyway, a good opportunity to build a good rep, so that I can score with the ones who aren't my cousins, totally blown by mister Dead-People-Don't-Bother-Me.


ALDUR: 'Sorry.' The man's sorry. Massive scoring, shot to hell, and he's sorry. Thanks.

CAIN: Moving right along, gentlemen.

ALDUR: Okay. So we go back to the Monastery, kill who-knows how many of who-knows-what, and finally, we meet Andariel. Basically this big naked chick.

TRANG-OUL: With cloven hooves for feet, and huge spider legs growing from her back.

ALDUR: Gheed tried to make jokes about her, which proves what a big A-hole Gheed is.

TRANG-OUL: Oh, and thanks, Cain. Your advice on using fire against her worked.

ALDUR: Yeah, and that's women for you. Andariel, the only demon we've met who's got any vulnerability to fire, and what do we find in her throne room? Big frigging bonfires. What is it with women? It's like they're in love with the things that are worst for them.

TRANG-OUL: It was a tough fight, but we prevailed. And to give credit where credit is due, the Sorceress that was with us put in the fireball that brought her down for good.

ALDUR: Yep. And I'm thinking, 'finally, maybe, I'll get to first base with one of these babes.' Nope. Charsi's still digging on the Barbarian, Kashya's still the Stuck-Up Queen of the Universe, and Akara's still checking you out, Cain.

CAIN: Note to self: 'Visit Rogues after interview.'

ALDUR: Good luck, old man. So we hitch a ride with Warriv out to Lut Gholein. All the way, Warriv is telling us about the Harem Guilds. There's a guild for guys who like fat chicks, blond chicks, dark chicks, two chicks at once, you name it, there's a guild for it. Ask us what we find when we get there.

CAIN: I was with you guys.

ALDUR: So you saw it. Not a Harem Guild member in sight. Little rich boy Jerhyn's got them all in the castle, and all of his guards in there. And we're thinking, 'okay for Jerhyn, but when do we get any?'

TRANG-OUL: There were some compensatory offerings.

ALDUR: There was Fara. Oh. Boy.

TRANG-OUL: Red hair. Lots of red hair. Even more than Kashya.

ALDUR: Nice muscles. Not like Charsi, but just right, like I like them.

TRANG-OUL: And her voice.

ALDUR: Oh, that voice. The voice that makes you want to get comfortable.

TRANG-OUL: She could talk me out of my armor in the middle of a battle. But.

ALDUR: Yes, but, she starts digging on the Paladin.

TRANG-OUL: It was Zakarum this, Zakarum that, the whole time that Paladin was in town.

ALDUR: Which was all the time, because we sure as shinola never saw him anywhere dangerous.

TRANG-OUL: And there was Atma.

ALDUR: Which brings us to the first bit of business in Lut Gholein.

CAIN: Radament.

TRANG-OUL: Yeah, him. Oh, the way he does business just makes a grown man cry.

ALDUR: You did cry, dude. Don't deny it.

TRANG-OUL: He could have done such wonders with the proper training. But no, he's got to do that Frankenstein-sew-it-all-together bit. What a waste.

ALDUR: Anyway, we get back to Atma. She's a wonderful lady, really, but not even Trang here would hit on a new widow, so we took her thanks and said 'you're welcome, ma'am.'

TRANG-OUL: And whoever hangs with her has to deal with that lout Geglash.

ALDUR: Who is the king of A-holes. He talks more smack than the Paladin and the Barbarian put together, but I never saw him anywhere but Atma's.

CAIN: Did you have any further adventures in Lut Gholein?

ALDUR: The only thing remotely female after that were the cat chicks out in the desert.

TRANG-OUL: Which had you quite distracted while you were a werebear.

ALDUR: Not as much as you were distracted by dead Rogues. There was no end of undead, here, there, and everywhere. I'm not a fan of undead in any form. I don't know why Trang hates them, when he likes his own skeletons so much.

TRANG-OUL: It's a balance of forces thing. Thought you knew about that stuff.

ALDUR: The balance is that dead stuff rots, it doesn't get up and start walking around again.

TRANG-OUL: Whatever.

ALDUR: Of course, the most wrong place of all was the claw vipers' temple.

TRANG-OUL: For a man who is in tune with nature, Aldur has a surprising distaste for serpents.

ALDUR: Distaste? I {filtered} hate the {filtered} things! But after going through that, we were not happy to find out that the harem girls were all killed while they were in the palace, and most of the guards were ready for Trang to work on, too.

TRANG-OUL: I don't molest the bodies of allies.

ALDUR: If you say so. So we went to this Arcane Sanctuary, which was just too whacked out, and killed this Summoner joker, who was the King of All Whackjobs, and then went on to the Canyon of the Magi.

TRANG-OUL: Which had exactly zero magi.

ALDUR: Darned straight, just undead, more bugs, more undead, more lion chicks, and more frigging undead.

TRANG-OUL: And one big bug at the end.

ALDUR: A big-assed bug.

TRANG-OUL: Fortunately, he preferred going after Aldur's spirit wolves more than us.

ALDUR: Rather stupid for a demon lord, but we're not complaining. And we meet archangel Tyrael, who puts the whole frigging responsibility for getting rid of Diablo on our shoulders.

TRANG-OUL: As if he ran the world or something.

ALDUR: But where's that leave us? Fara's still digging on the Paladin, Atma's still hung up on hubby, the Harem chicks are dead, the Amazon and Sorceress who are with us are all business, and the lion chicks would rather kill us. We meet up with Meshif, who tells us about Kurast.

TRANG-OUL: Hot, muggy Kurast.

ALDUR: So we figure, hot and muggy equals skimpy clothing. Where do we sign?

CAIN: And again, you were disappointed.

ALDUR: And again, you are correct. Half the place is jungle, now, and exactly two women will even talk to us.

CAIN: Natalya and Asheara. Tell us about Natalya.

ALDUR: Her voice was definitely her strong point. Nice legs, and I don't go for short hair, but that voice.

TRANG-OUL: Her voice could make men give up porn. But.

ALDUR: Again, but. She was all business. Didn't want to talk about anything but catching dark mages. Kept asking about Trang, here.


ALDUR: But not in a positive way. Wanted to know if you'd been saying 'master' to any of the demons, and stuff like that.

TRANG-OUL: Story of my life.

ALDUR: Asheara was even worse. First, while I like a bit of muscle on a chick, they shouldn't be bigger than mine. That's just wrong.

TRANG-OUL: All those manliness potions she bought from Alkor.

ALDUR: I think she's going to start getting hair on her chest from them. Second, she was wearing a {filtered} snake around her shoulders!

TRANG-OUL: I believe we have already discussed Aldur's snake phobia.

ALDUR: It ain't a phobia. I just don't like them.

TRANG-OUL: But the real reason we didn't get anywhere with Asheara is that her attention was directed elsewhere.

ALDUR: In other words, she was digging on the Rogues that were with us.

CAIN: Ormus told me that he'd been hearing rumors.

ALDUR: Oh, it ain't no rumor. She was definitely digging on them, and on the Sorceress and the Amazon. Mostly on the Amazon.

TRANG-OUL: Which was creeping her out.

ALDUR: And how. So we've struck out with Natalya, and Asheara doesn't even play in our league, so that leaves us with the Amazon, the Sorceress, both of whom were too busy grubbing for gold to pay us any mind, and demons.

TRANG-OUL: Aren't you forgetting Sarina?

ALDUR: What's to remember? Jiggly enough, but she was just like that countess chick. Tried to kill us.

TRANG-OUL: That was pretty much it for Kurast.

ALDUR: Yeah, we killed everyone up to Mephisto, so there's no reason to hang around. We hop in this portal, and find ourselves in this fort with the arseangel, I mean, archangel Tyrael. And exactly one chick.

TRANG-OUL: Who had the very nicest backside I have ever seen.

ALDUR: Her outfit showed quite a bit of it. But she had even less to say than Natalya. Kept wanting us to buy her stuff. But not the stuff that we had in mind.

TRANG-OUL: So it was go out, kill more demons, and bump off the big guy.

ALDUR: And you want to know something? There were maybe a hundred demons in Diablo's fort. Couldn't Tyrael have kicked all their butts, including Diablo's? And Hadriel was about as useful as tits on a carrion vine.

TRANG-OUL: Although at this point we may have found tits on the carrion vine to be quite useful.

ALDUR: All that teasing will get to a man, even Trang here.

TRANG-OUL: Tell them of the wonderful award that awaited us.

ALDUR: Yeah, that had us pee-ohed. We own the big D, and what does Tyrael say? 'Praise the light. Now go whack this other guy.'

CAIN: You were sent to Harrogath.

ALDUR: Yep, again, off we go, and this town's just as bad as the rest. One old lady when we get there, even too old for you, Cain.

TRANG-OUL: Although she didn't think so.

ALDUR: Yeah. She was definitely checking you out.

CAIN: I'll pass.

ALDUR: We all passed, which leads us to getting sent out, again, to go whack some demon, again. And then we go rescue Anya. She had more leg on her than both of our Rogues put together.

TRANG-OUL: Oh, tell them of the wonderful reward we got for that.

ALDUR: So we fight our way through the frigging coldest cave in the frigging coldest part of the frigging universe, rescue her, and surely, she's going to show some physical gratitude? Pick one of us and warm our bed for just one night? Nope. I get a ram's head that's been made into a helmet, and Trang gets some guy's head in a bottle. Lady, we saved your life? How 'bout dinner and a movie? Nope, she's digging on Larzuk.

TRANG-OUL: And how.

ALDUR: Who is digging on the Amazon.

TRANG-OUL: And how.

ALDUR: And we get to hear Qual-Kehk say 'hey guys, I heard Anya gave you some head, yuk yuk yuk.' The only other females anywhere we can see are demon chicks, like Stygian Harlots, Blood Maidens, Venom Sluts, all that. All trying to kill us.

TRANG-OUL: So we kill Baal.

ALDUR: Yeah, he's gone. Between us, we've killed not one, not two, but three Prime Evils, assorted lesser demons, that smart-assed Nihlathak, bugs, zombies, skeletons, crazy possessed women, overgrown snakes, porcupines on steroids, you name it. And here comes Tyrael.


ALDUR: And we're thinking 'now will you send us to the Island of Half-naked Women?' No frigging way. The precious frigging Worldstone is all dicked up, and Tyrael's going to destroy it, which is the first time he's lifted a finger in all this. And Trang says 'won't that destroy the world?'

TRANG-OUL: Fairly important.

ALDUR: And Tyrael says some stuff about the world being changed in ways he can't predict. And we both think, 'all right, we've saved every chick in this frigging world, and what thanks did we get from them? A sidekick, one item of our choice enchanted for us, two magic rings, a custom-made item crafted for us, and prices reduced a whopping ten percent in one town. Some gratitude.' So we told Tyrael to go ahead and smash that frigging Worldstone. Maybe this changed world will have chicks we can deal with.


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