The Pigs, Jerks, and Creeps of Sanctuary (interview with three of Sanctuary`s most famous heroines)

The Pigs, Jerks, and Creeps of Sanctuary (interview with three of Sanctuary`s most famous heroines)

Description: by evilsnack

Categories: Humor

DECKARD CAIN: Good evening, I'm Deckard Cain, and tonight I will be interviewing the Grand Matron M'avina, Arcanna the Loremistress, and the Magekiller Natalya. We'll be talking about their role in the downfall of the Prime Evils, and the obstacles they had to overcome along the way.

M'AVINA: Good evening.

ARCANNA: Good evening.

NATALYA: Greetings.

CAIN: Now, where should we begin?

ARCANNA: I think that for all of us, it began with the corruption of the Sisters of the Sightless Eye.

NATALYA: Sounds like they were a bit off to start with. What kind of a name is that? 'Hey, we can't see, but we're the best archers in the world.'

M'AVINA: Which is most certainly not true.

CAIN: Yes, the rivalry between the Rogues and the Amazons has been pretty well-known for quite some time. Was there much trouble along those lines in the Rogue camp?

M'AVINA: Not at first. A whole lot of adventurers had shown up, looking to make it big. Most of them were men, and just like men, they're all doing the man thing, trying to get one or more of the Rogues into the sack. Which kept the Rogues too busy to make trouble for me.

ARCANNA: Of course, the men wouldn't leave us alone, either, but we can handle those guys.

M'AVINA: Warriv wasn't so bad, either. I mean, he was goggling at us just like the rest, but at least he talked to us like we had some brains.

ARCANNA: Gheed was a pig, though.

CAIN: Kashya said as much.

M'AVINA: Just about the only thing she and I agree on. But he doesn't make any pretenses, either. He doesn't care what we think about him.

CAIN: Tell us about your first adventure.

ARCANNA: It started with Akara trying to get rid of the men by sending them out to some cave to get killed. We went along.

M'AVINA: Didn't quite work. Aldur and Trang were able to call up stuff as fast as the demons could kill it, so it was fairly easy going.

ARCANNA: I actually liked those two.

M'AVINA: Oh, come on. They were just as bad as the rest of them. And did you see Cain's interview with them? They hardly mentioned us.

ARCANNA: And why should they have? They took the risks. We just sat back and chucked arrows and fireballs. And unlike the Paladin, they took the hint when we told them to keep it professional.

M'AVINA: Yeah, that Paladin was a jerk, all right. Shiny armor, {filtered} attitude.


M'AVINA: What? That was the Paladin.

CAIN: Moving right along, what went on after that?

ARCANNA: We tagged along when they went after Blood Raven.

M'AVINA: Yeah. I feel kinda sorry for Kashya.

ARCANNA: Trang and Aldur and 'Vina and me had a system going. We'd cover the outside, and they'd take their skeletons and wolves and stuff and charge the middle.

M'AVINA: And then, when the fighting's done, the Paladin and the Barbarian swoop in and start grabbing up the loot.

ARCANNA: We all hated that. 'Specially Aldur.

CAIN: Natalya, you've been awfully quiet. Where did you fit into this picture?

NATALYA: I wasn't in it at this point, I'm afraid. My order assigned me to keep watch in Kurast, so I was out of the loop until the action got there.

CAIN: Well, we'll get to you when the story gets there. Going back to you two, I believe that after that, you all came to my rescue.

ARCANNA: Yep, and that time we had the system down nice. Aldur and Trang made for the center of town, and we kept the fringes busy.

M'AVINA: And what happened to Griswold?

CAIN: Some kind of curse.

ARCANNA: Poor fellow. Nobody deserves what happened to him.

M'AVINA: The Paladin does.


M'AVINA: Come on, the {filtered} wouldn't leave me alone. It would have greatly improved his personality.

CAIN: Be that as it may, I'm very grateful to you.

ARCANNA: No problem, Deckard. You were the closest thing to a gentleman we saw in that camp. You and Warriv, anyway.

M'AVINA: And I do have to admit that Aldur and Trang had the brains to keep their hands to themselves.

ARCANNA: Most of the time.

M'AVINA: And I don't think I like Charsi. That manipulative {filtered}.


M'AVINA: Well, you saw her, leaving the Barbarian just long enough to sweet-talk Trang and Aldur into getting the Malus, and then going back to let Muscleboy goggle over her. I mean, I would have asked, too, but I wouldn't have pretended to like them if I really didn't.

ARCANNA: So anyway, we head off after Aldur and Trang, and on the way the Paladin decides to take over the show, again, and orders us to go into this old tower. Trang goes in first, the Paladin and the Barbarian shove their way in as soon as it's safe, and then Aldur asks if we want to cover the rear or let him do it.

M'AVINA: And of course the Barbarian, who calls himself the Immortal King, and the Paladin, oh, what was his name--

ARCANNA: Milabrega.

M'AVINA: Yeah, the only good thing they did was to keep out of our way so that we can get down to business.

ARCANNA: Until the fighting stopped. Then they were after the gold like pigs after acorns.

M'AVINA: Fortunately, we didn't see much of them after the Tamoe Highland. As soon as they saw the corrupted Rogues, they started calling to them, thinking with their {filtered}, which of course almost got all of us killed. Unfortunately, to save ourselves we had to save their sorry {filtered} as well.

ARCANNA: Some Immortal King. Looked pretty mortal to me, running from Rogue Lancers the way he did.

M'AVINA: And oh, don't let Milabrega's precious shiny armor get ruined in the fighting. We didn't see much of them once we got into the Monastery.

ARCANNA: I still have nightmares about that place.

M'AVINA: We all do. Except for Trang.

ARCANNA: Yeah, he was like Gheed in a gold mine in there, working spells on the bodies left and right. He's not right.

M'AVINA: Then why were you checking him out all the time?

ARCANNA: I don't know what you're talking about.

M'AVINA: Oh, come on. Every time you thought nobody was looking, you'd have your head turned.

ARCANNA: Wha--? Oh, uh, I like long hair. On a guy.

M'AVINA: I see.

CAIN: As I understand it, the problems at the Monastery ended with the defeat of Andariel.

ARCANNA: That was a fight. But fire did the trick.

M'AVINA: It sure did. And this time, we were able to get the loot divvied up before the two {filtered} showed up.

CAIN: And then you went to Lut Gholein.

M'AVINA: It was a long journey for us.

CAIN: How so?

M'AVINA: In spite of what you may have heard, we Amazons do not do play in the lavender league, so all of Warriv's talk about those Harem Guilds got real old, real fast.

ARCANNA: For both of us. And for the Rogues that were with us.

M'AVINA: Which goes to show that Warriv wasn't quite the gentleman he appeared in the Rogues' camp.

ARCANNA: He was just less of a pig than the rest. But at least the Barbarian stayed behind to hit on Charsi, so we were rid of him.

CAIN: And so we arrive in Lut Gholein.

M'AVINA: And it was the nicest thing, seeing those guys' faces when they find out that Jerhyn's got all the Harem Guild sluts up in his palace.

ARCANNA: Although if we'd known that the Harem girls were already dead by then, we wouldn't have teased Aldur and Trang about it.

M'AVINA: But we finally got rid of the Paladin, because the smith there was a Paladin once, so he's talking her up all day and leaving us alone.

ARCANNA: But that A-hole Geglash made up for both the Barbarian and the Paladin.

CAIN: Aldur and Trang told me about him.

M'AVINA: That's how bad he was: Even other men thought he was a pig. I came this close to killing him. Multiple times.

ARCANNA: He would not take no for an answer.

M'AVINA: Atma. Poor Atma.

ARCANNA: She's the reason I just can't write off Aldur and Trang. She asked them to go after Radament, and they did, and didn't hit on her or anything. They're the good kind of sexist: Always nice to ladies.

M'AVINA: So you're saying we should have boffed them?


M'AVINA: Anyway, Elzix wasn't so bad. Like Gheed, but without the lechery.

ARCANNA: Lysander was annoying. One dirty joke after another. I think in the afterlife he'll get his hearing back and be forced to listen to himself.

M'AVINA: And Greiz, Meshif, and Drognan were all business.

ARCANNA: And for the rest of our time there, we were all business.

CAIN: And with Duriel beaten, your travels took you to Kurast.

ARCANNA: And were we ever glad the Paladin didn't get on board.

M'AVINA: Because I asked Meshif to leave without him.


M'AVINA: You do what you have to. But by the time we'd walked around the Kurast docks, I was beginning to wish I was the one to miss the boat.

ARCANNA: The reason for this is named Asheara.

M'AVINA: She was creeping me out more than Trang.

ARCANNA: Every moment 'Vina here was in sight, she was making all kind of suggestions about 'doing without men,' if you know what I mean. She hit on me a bit too, but the rep that the Amazons have got put the idea in her head, big time, so 'Vina here got the worst of it.

M'AVINA: Just because we don't walk three paces behind our men, everyone thinks we're in the lavender league.

ARCANNA: That, and the New Moon Bonding Ceremony.

M'AVINA: What about it?

ARCANNA: Well, there's the kissing between the two Amazons.

M'AVINA: That's not sexual!

ARCANNA: Then why are they naked?

M'AVINA: Look, it symbolizes rebirth.

ARCANNA: And what does the nursing symbolize?

M'AVINA: What nursing?

ARCANNA: One of the guys at the rogue camp told me he'd read it somewhere.

M'AVINA: Great Mother of the Moon, not that Amazons Gone Wild scroll again!


M'AVINA: We go through this every {filtered} year! That {filtered} scroll was written by the {filtered} Porn Guild in {filtered} Lut Gholein! The real ceremony is not a dyke show! The two sisters kiss, they're declared bonded warriors, and from then on they fight together as a team. That's it!

ARCANNA: But they share a house after that.

M'AVINA: But not our {filtered} bed! I sleep in my bed, my bond sister and her husband sleep in the other bed. In the other room. I do not join them. Ever.

ARCANNA: Well, the scroll's quite popular. Gheed makes a mint off of them.

M'AVINA: Note to self: 'Burn Gheed's shop to the ground. Make sure Gheed's in it.'

NATALYA: Girlfriend, you're lucky. I was posted there for three months, and every day an Iron Wolf came by with something from Asheara. Usually an invitation to take a walk on the beach, or a night at the Slippery Fist, or something.

ARCANNA: Did you ever find out how that place got its name?

NATALYA: You do not want to know. Trust me. I am desperately trying to forget.

ARCANNA: That just creeps us all out.

M'AVINA: And Hratli was kind of the opposite. I mean, he's bit effeminate.

ARCANNA: Aldur and Trang didn't hang in his shop much. Men are like that. They'll go into a cave full of zombies and snake men, but let another guy look at them the wrong way, and they head to the hills.

NATALYA: Which wasn't really fair to Hratli, because Hratli is as straight as anybody.

ARCANNA: And to be fair, we headed to hills because Asheara was looking at us the wrong way.

M'AVINA: But Ormus was a piece of work, though.

NATALYA: We've been keeping an eye on him, and as far as I'm concerned the jury's still out on that guy.

ARCANNA: Alkor was amusing. One of those dirty old men who isn't really as dirty as he lets on.

CAIN: Our time in Kurast was brief, as I recall.

ARCANNA: Yeah. Aldur and Trang were in a hurry to get the Prime Evils situation settled, and we did.

CAIN: Which took us to the Pandemonium Fortress.

ARCANNA: At least there we didn't have any man troubles.

M'AVINA: Or woman troubles.

NATALYA: Just demon troubles.

ARCANNA: And now there were more of us, and Aldur was bringing up spirit grizzlies, which were absolutely wonderful from a tactical viewpoint. And Trang's fire golem probably killed more demons than I did.

M'AVINA: Summoned flunkies pin down the demons, the rest of us sit back and fire away.

NATALYA: I was most surprised to see Diablo go after the grizzly that way. Like Aldur said, not very bright, but we're not complaining.

CAIN: And then we were sent to Harrogath.

ARCANNA: And why weren't we sent there first? Why go after Diablo in hell?

CAIN: You'll have to ask Tyrael.

M'AVINA: Anyway, we go to Harrogath. That's where we met Larzuk.

NATALYA: Wonderful, muscular Larzuk.

M'AVINA: Shoulders like Mount Arreat.

ARCANNA: Yeah, but I don't dig bald.

M'AVINA: I'd dig Gheed if he had shoulders like that!

ARCANNA: Well, you were the closest to bagging Larzuk. Said he wanted to visit the Amazon islands.

M'AVINA: And I would have bagged him if Aldur and Trang hadn't blown it.

CAIN: What do you mean?

M'AVINA: Well, after we'd finished off Baal--

ARCANNA: And 'Vina says 'time to get Larzuk and go home--'

M'AVINA: Did I say that?

NATALYA: Out loud.

ARCANNA: After 'Vina says that, Tyrael comes down and says he has to smash the Worldstone. And then Aldur and Trang say 'go for it--there's nothing here for us.'

M'AVINA: Told you we should have boffed them.

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