Eminem's 'Caän'

Eminem's 'Caän'

Description: by Caän

Categories: Humor

(From 'Stan' by Eminem)

Chorus: Dido

My dream is gone I'm wondering why I

got out of bed at all

My mournful tears cloud up my mailbox

and I can't see at all

And even if I could it'll all be dark,

But his screenshot on my wall

It reminds me, there is still some hope,

There is still some hope.

{2x Chorus: Dido}

[From: Caän caan_messiah@yahoo.com]

[Date: 15:54, Wednesday, June 26, 2002]

Dear Bliz, I mailed twice but you still haven't read it

I left my address, home page, and my cell phone at the bottom

I entered a game with my Pally, got killed and my corpse popped

but I had no other corpse, it might be a game bug or something

and this barb ran off with my Stormshield, laughing

So yeah, I'm fvcked, what's up man? My equip's all erased;

I lost my TG Vigor, Lion, Stormshield, Vampire Gaze

Yeah I'm not worried; I know y'all can sure fix it

But I'm still waiting

I read about D2 ever since it was announced

My girlfriend went and killed herself when I ditched her for my pal

I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan

That paladin's been living with me for two years now man

I got a room full of pictures and screenshots of Caän

It took me a year to collect that lewt, now it's all gone

Anyways, I hope you fix this man, write me back,

just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan

This is Caän

{Chorus: Dido}

[From: Caän caan_messiah@yahoo.com]

[Date: 18:06, Wednesday, June 26, 2002]

Dear Bliz, you still ain't wrote or fixed it, after fifteen letters, man,

I ain't mad - I just think it's FVCKED UP, I'm your biggest fan

If you didn't wanna rollback US-West that's OK to me

you didn't have to, but you coulda given me the items in a private game

Listen here man, yeah right, I'm only 18 years old

But the Net is large, I made a surprise for you,

I'll throw it in your main office's letterbox unless you fix this soon

Please listen, I've built a chapel for you, you're my idol

your games are great, you earn 3K a month more than I do

I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to

Remember that surprise I mentioned? Well I can screw you

I found a secret Palestinian site with some great tips, cool eh?

They never knew their victims neither;

but were cornered like a rat, broken, damned and beaten

I can relate to that, I have three CD-Rs full of Enya's songs

so when I have a sh!tty day, I drift away and put 'em on

cause I don't really got sh!t else so that sh!t helps when I'm depressed

'Wild Child' inspired me to check out the Palestinian web

I once tied a Molotov bottle to a cat, lit it, you should've seen it

Was like adrenaline, 'let debris fall everywhere around me' here (*)

That's what Enya sings for real, and I respect her cause she tells it

My paladin's jealous cause I talk about her 24/7

But he's devastated now without his Stormshield, anyone would

You don't know what LoD means for me, it's my mind, my soul

my life, my heart, the salvation I hoped I would never lose

Sincerely yours, Caän -- P.S.

Geoff should check the Phrozenkeep too

{Chorus: Dido}

[From: Caän caan_messiah@yahoo.com]

[Date: 21:29, Wednesday, June 26, 2002]

Dear Blizzard-I'm-Too-Good-To-Help-Or-Mail-My-Fans,

this'll be the last mail I ever send your a55es

It's been six hours and no reply - I don't deserve it?

I know you got my last twenty mails;

I sent them to support@blizzard.com perfect

So this is my testament I'm sending you, if you decide to read it

I'm in my car right now, which I parked near Brussels on the train tracks

Too bad I took two pounds of tranquilizers, can't hear the bell

You know the h^ck by AnGeL7, 'The Super Matrix H^ck'

the one you patched up, well you left some holes open and I found'em

In these circumstances it's very tempting, you see, to exploit them

Yeah, I put the source code on Gnutella, I'm sure you saw it (**)

Now it's too late - I've duped 10,000 Raven Frosts now, and counting

and all I wanted was a lousy rollback or a fix

I hope you know I ripped +ALL+ of your players off with this

I HATE you guys, hey Bliz, see your pretty Realms now

I RUINED them, I hope you can't sleep and you DREAM about it

And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it

I hope this crap BANKRUPTS you and you can't EAT no more

'The TOS...'; Shut up dorks! I'm tryin to talk!

Hey Bliz, that's Jarulf screamin in the trunk

I need the publicity you see... why him? cause he ain't like you,

cause the world is unfair, he doesn't deserve it, who cares, he'll die too

Well, gotta go, nine thirty train almost here now

Oh damn, I forgot, damned WinKey won't let me alt-tab out?

{*hard disk noise*} {*DONG*}

.. {*screeching brakes*} .. {*CRASH*}

{Chorus: Dido}

[From: Max Schaefer mschaefer@verant.com]

[Date: 6:21, Friday, June 28, 2002]

Dear Caän, we meant to mail you sooner but got busy with the funeral

You said your pally lost his items, sorry for that, what level is he?

Look, I'm really sorry, I took the realms down for a large rollback

after that duping sh!t; log in again and admire your Stormshield

and you'll have your Star and Vigor back

I'm sorry I didn't do it earlier, but disaster struck us here

Some b!tch parked his Yugo on the train tracks, and killed twenty two

We lost Sexton and Colenzo, Shenk mortally wounded and Seis will die too

Bill Roper will not make it through

and Geoff is in a straightjacket now

shouting 'Warcraft 3 is great!', poor guy's obviously barking mad

Blizzard's dead, Vivendi sold us to Verant, I'm living in the sewers like a rat

But what's this sh!t about you sending us twenty letters?

We only got one, from a white robed man, on a diskette

I really think you need to learn to spell better

it said 'To: support@blizzard.con' in the header

I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time

before you delete your char, I think that you're on your way to ninety nine

with all your items back, thanks for writing us; but Caän

why are you so mad? That email made no sense, c'mon, you're crazy man

I just don't want you to do some crazy sh!t

I mean, it sounded like you were going to kill yourself or something for kicks

almost like that fvcking junkie with his Yugo, I hope the d!ck

will burn in hell, he had some guy named Pedro Faria tied up, the b!tch

and in the wreck they found three mailbombs, but they didn't say who they were to

Come to think about, his name was.. it was you.


(*) 'Let the rain fall down everywhere around me' -Enya, Wild Child (tnx Creideamh for the lyrics)

(**) The minor scandal when Blizzard sued BnetD and was then sued themselves by Sony for downloading illegal MP3s.

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