Eminem's 'Caän'

Eminem's 'Caän'

Description: by Caän

Categories: Humor


(From 'Stan' by Eminem)





Chorus: Dido





My dream is gone I'm wondering why I


got out of bed at all


My mournful tears cloud up my mailbox


and I can't see at all


And even if I could it'll all be dark,


But his screenshot on my wall


It reminds me, there is still some hope,


There is still some hope.






{2x Chorus: Dido}





[From: Caän caan_messiah@yahoo.com]


[Date: 15:54, Wednesday, June 26, 2002]


Dear Bliz, I mailed twice but you still haven't read it


I left my address, home page, and my cell phone at the bottom



I entered a game with my Pally, got killed and my corpse popped


but I had no other corpse, it might be a game bug or something


and this barb ran off with my Stormshield, laughing


So yeah, I'm fvcked, what's up man? My equip's all erased;


I lost my TG Vigor, Lion, Stormshield, Vampire Gaze


Yeah I'm not worried; I know y'all can sure fix it


But I'm still waiting


I read about D2 ever since it was announced


My girlfriend went and killed herself when I ditched her for my pal



I know you probably hear this everyday, but I'm your biggest fan


That paladin's been living with me for two years now man


I got a room full of pictures and screenshots of Caän


It took me a year to collect that lewt, now it's all gone


Anyways, I hope you fix this man, write me back,


just to chat, truly yours, your biggest fan


This is Caän






{Chorus: Dido}





[From: Caän caan_messiah@yahoo.com]


[Date: 18:06, Wednesday, June 26, 2002]


Dear Bliz, you still ain't wrote or fixed it, after fifteen letters, man,


I ain't mad - I just think it's FVCKED UP, I'm your biggest fan


If you didn't wanna rollback US-West that's OK to me


you didn't have to, but you coulda given me the items in a private game



Listen here man, yeah right, I'm only 18 years old


But the Net is large, I made a surprise for you,


I'll throw it in your main office's letterbox unless you fix this soon


Please listen, I've built a chapel for you, you're my idol


your games are great, you earn 3K a month more than I do


I ain't that mad though, I just don't like being lied to


Remember that surprise I mentioned? Well I can screw you


I found a secret Palestinian site with some great tips, cool eh?



They never knew their victims neither;


but were cornered like a rat, broken, damned and beaten


I can relate to that, I have three CD-Rs full of Enya's songs


so when I have a sh!tty day, I drift away and put 'em on


cause I don't really got sh!t else so that sh!t helps when I'm depressed


'Wild Child' inspired me to check out the Palestinian web


I once tied a Molotov bottle to a cat, lit it, you should've seen it


Was like adrenaline, 'let debris fall everywhere around me' here (*)


That's what Enya sings for real, and I respect her cause she tells it



My paladin's jealous cause I talk about her 24/7


But he's devastated now without his Stormshield, anyone would


You don't know what LoD means for me, it's my mind, my soul


my life, my heart, the salvation I hoped I would never lose


Sincerely yours, Caän -- P.S.


Geoff should check the Phrozenkeep too





{Chorus: Dido}





[From: Caän caan_messiah@yahoo.com]


[Date: 21:29, Wednesday, June 26, 2002]


Dear Blizzard-I'm-Too-Good-To-Help-Or-Mail-My-Fans,


this'll be the last mail I ever send your a55es


It's been six hours and no reply - I don't deserve it?


I know you got my last twenty mails;


I sent them to support@blizzard.com perfect



So this is my testament I'm sending you, if you decide to read it


I'm in my car right now, which I parked near Brussels on the train tracks


Too bad I took two pounds of tranquilizers, can't hear the bell


You know the h^ck by AnGeL7, 'The Super Matrix H^ck'


the one you patched up, well you left some holes open and I found'em


In these circumstances it's very tempting, you see, to exploit them


Yeah, I put the source code on Gnutella, I'm sure you saw it (**)


Now it's too late - I've duped 10,000 Raven Frosts now, and counting



and all I wanted was a lousy rollback or a fix


I hope you know I ripped +ALL+ of your players off with this


I HATE you guys, hey Bliz, see your pretty Realms now


I RUINED them, I hope you can't sleep and you DREAM about it


And when you dream I hope you can't sleep and you SCREAM about it


I hope this crap BANKRUPTS you and you can't EAT no more


'The TOS...'; Shut up dorks! I'm tryin to talk!


Hey Bliz, that's Jarulf screamin in the trunk


I need the publicity you see... why him? cause he ain't like you,



cause the world is unfair, he doesn't deserve it, who cares, he'll die too


Well, gotta go, nine thirty train almost here now


Oh damn, I forgot, damned WinKey won't let me alt-tab out?


{*hard disk noise*} {*DONG*}


.. {*screeching brakes*} .. {*CRASH*}





{Chorus: Dido}






[From: Max Schaefer mschaefer@verant.com]


[Date: 6:21, Friday, June 28, 2002]


Dear Caän, we meant to mail you sooner but got busy with the funeral


You said your pally lost his items, sorry for that, what level is he?


Look, I'm really sorry, I took the realms down for a large rollback


after that duping sh!t; log in again and admire your Stormshield


and you'll have your Star and Vigor back


I'm sorry I didn't do it earlier, but disaster struck us here



Some b!tch parked his Yugo on the train tracks, and killed twenty two


We lost Sexton and Colenzo, Shenk mortally wounded and Seis will die too


Bill Roper will not make it through


and Geoff is in a straightjacket now


shouting 'Warcraft 3 is great!', poor guy's obviously barking mad


Blizzard's dead, Vivendi sold us to Verant, I'm living in the sewers like a rat


But what's this sh!t about you sending us twenty letters?


We only got one, from a white robed man, on a diskette



I really think you need to learn to spell better


it said 'To: support@blizzard.con' in the header


I hope you get to read this letter, I just hope it reaches you in time


before you delete your char, I think that you're on your way to ninety nine


with all your items back, thanks for writing us; but Caän


why are you so mad? That email made no sense, c'mon, you're crazy man


I just don't want you to do some crazy sh!t



I mean, it sounded like you were going to kill yourself or something for kicks


almost like that fvcking junkie with his Yugo, I hope the d!ck


will burn in hell, he had some guy named Pedro Faria tied up, the b!tch


and in the wreck they found three mailbombs, but they didn't say who they were to


Come to think about, his name was.. it was you.


Caän.





(*) 'Let the rain fall down everywhere around me' -Enya, Wild Child (tnx Creideamh for the lyrics)


(**) The minor scandal when Blizzard sued BnetD and was then sued themselves by Sony for downloading illegal MP3s.



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