Alternative Story For Diablo

Alternative Story For Diablo

Description: by Maxx Power

Categories: Humor


When Blizzard were first making Diablo, when they were
thinking of the story, they must have been taking a crap at the time, for that
is a technically accurate description of the product which came out. Don’t get
me wrong, Diablo is a fantastic game, it’s just the story is missing that
certain… something, a certain flare. So, what I want to ask Blizzard is this.
“Why did you write your own storyline when you could have got me to do it?”
 Well, in answer to this question, I have decided to
write a quick, five Act biopic of an alternative story to Dialbo entitled “The
story of a strapping young gentleman caught in a tempest of demonic influence
and struggling super-powers” or “A five part introduction to the life and
times of a group of hell spawns” or “Four demons and a Sorceress”.
 Act 1
 The hero of the game, a square jaw, brain dead swim
suit model brandishing a sharp stick, goes out in search of his lost brothers,
coincidentally three sets of identical twins. As he looks for them, he stumbles
upon a small leprechaun, called Jeff, who tells him of the three prime evisl, a
trio of dastardly demons hell bent on ruling the world via the use of internet
pornography. After fighting many demons, our hero eventually find his way into
the catacomb, before facing a infuriated four-arm, pre-menstrual demon from the
1978 German Olympic swimming team.

 Act 2
 After travelling across the desert, our hero enters a
town where the king’s daughters have been kidnapped, also three sets of
identical twins. It turns out that a giant bug living in the tomb of a thousand
year old dead mage has set up a chain of mail order brides and grooms, in order
to allow internet pornography to reach its limits. Knowing that the world is in
great peril, our hero finds the bug, demanding at least 10% of the profits.
Refusing, our hero bravely slays, using his wits, his awesome strength, and a
sawn-off, anti-personnel shotgun (good twist, yeah?)
 Act 3
 Finding his way into a huge jungle, our hero finds
both of the three sets of identical twins in the center of a ruined city. There
he orders a group of guards he has picked up from somewhere (hey, I did need a
loop-hole) to rescue anything that went around in groups of six and looked
familiar. However, due to the fact that demons look strangely alike, in blind
panic and confusion, the guards kill themselves. Leaving Mephisto to meet his
brother Diablo and, for no apparent reason, do a two-man, underwater medley of
“What’s new {filtered} cat”
 Act 4
 Riding straight into hell, our hero finds the lord of
terror, Diablo. Unable to comprehend the sheer horror of Diablo, our intrepid
adventures runs faster than a rabbit who’s just undergone colonic irrigation
with a hot, rusty mace. This leaves the only man strong enough to face the
demon’s wrath. Pyro from Gladiators, we thank you
 Act 5
 With no real plot elements left over, the world
collapses in on itself, creating an alternative universe where the internet
contains what you actually want, the main element is cheese, and Fox network is
actually entertaining and original.
 Kiss my ass Stephen King, I rock!!!

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